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Friday, December 21, 2007

My Story III Continued-3

Sorry that it took me so long to get back and to do a post, but I am out of town and don't have access to a computer or the Internet, so I will bring you up to date really fast.

They came out of the doctor's office and I immediately called. The doctor found no evidence of anything and got in his mother's face and demanded to know what was going on. She finally gave in and said that she coached my son as to what to say and that she and her husband thought it would be the easiest way to get custody.

Of course, I was enraged along with everyone else involved in the case and she would have charges pressed against her for false accusations and filing false reports.

I will get to that after Christmas when I get back home.

Thanks for reading and I will be back soon.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

My Story III Continued-2

As I say each time, thanks for reading my story and remember if this is your first time to start from the beginning so that you aren't lost. Here are the links in order:

My Story
http://singlefathersupport.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-story.html
My Story II
http://singlefathersupport.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-story-continued-part-ii.html
My Story II Continued
http://singlefathersupport.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-story-part-ii-continued.html
My Story III
http://singlefathersupport.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-story-part-iii.html
My Story III Continued-1
http://singlefathersupport.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-story-iii-continued.html

Here we go.

So I am at the Child Protective Services office meeting with the social service worker and she tells me that a complaint has been filed against me for child sexual abuse! What!!! I almost punched her right in her mouth just for saying something like that. I told her no way and I would end up in prison if someone ever sexually abused my son, because I would probably kill them. I was more than pissed off, I was beyond the point of no return. She had to call another worker in, a man, to calm me down.

Once calm, they went on to explain that his mother and her husband had filed the complaint stating that Anthony had told them that I had been putting my finger in his butt when he took a bath. Total crap! That is what I told the woman too, it was total crap. I NEVER touched my son in anyway like that ever!

She said she didn't have any proof whether I did or didn't, but while we were sitting there talking, they had picked up Anthony from his daycare and taken him to his mothers, where he would stay until his doctors appointment two days later. After his doctors appointment in which the Child Protective Services and his mother would attend, without me, I would be contacted as to the result of the appointment.

I immediately had a problem with all of it. I told them that if she accused me of that she would probably do something like that to him or her husband would to make it look as if I had done it.

The next two days without my son and not knowing what was going on was like living in hell. To make matters worse, I was instructed not to contact him or his mother until after the doctors appointment. Of course, I still tried to call, but they were smart and didn't stay at their house and I couldn't find them.

Finally, they day of the doctors appointment arrived and I was sitting by my cell phone across the street from the office and watched them go in. I had the case workers number and as soon as I saw them leave the office I was going to call.

To be continued...

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Friday, December 14, 2007

My Story III Continued-1

If this is your first time reading my story as a single father, remember to read the following links first before reading this one and thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy. For all you junkies that are addicted to the story already, thanks for coming back.

My Story
http://singlefathersupport.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-story.html
My Story II
http://singlefathersupport.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-story-part-ii.html
My Story II Continued
http://singlefathersupport.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-story-part-ii-continued.html
My Story III
http://singlefathersupport.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-story-part-iii.html

Now that the formalities are out of the way, lets continue.

I forgot to add that Anthony's mother watched him right after graduation when my girlfriend, my best friend from Michigan (where I grew up), and I went to Las Vegas after graduation. Just wanted to mention that to reiterate the fact that she had watched him recently so the trip to the mountains didn't seem like it would be a problem.

Moving on, my girlfriend and I got back from a wonderful trip to the mountains and I went to pick Anthony up at our normal meeting place. His mother was there along with her husband and they were both smiling as I picked him up. I mention this, because they never are happy to see me. Usually they are scowling and not very friendly, but this time they weren't. I didn't think about it at the time, but it all made sense later.

When I picked him up, he seemed lethargic and introverted, which is unusual for him. He is hyper and very outgoing to the point of uncontrollable behavior most of the time, so this was very unusual. I just thought he was tired, because he didn't act like he had any energy or felt like playing like he usually did. A few days went by and I got a phone call at school that someone from child protective services wanted to talk to me. I of course called the woman back and she asked if I could come in and speak with her concerning Anthony. I immediately wanted to know what it was about, but she would not tell me over the telephone. I coudn't meet her for a couple days due to scheduling and in the mean time I called his mother and asked her. She told me she didn't have any clue, but of course I accused her of lying and wanted to know what was going on. She, as you have already probably guessed, wouldn't tell me a thing.

Finally the day arrived to meet with the child protective services woman and I was totally shocked, sick to my stomach, and dumbfounded when she told me what it was about.

Until next time readers....

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Thursday, December 13, 2007

My Story Part III

As previously stated, thank you for continuing with me on this journey and remember to follow along starting with the "My Story" post first and read in chronological order.

"My Story" - http://singlefathersupport.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-story.html

Ok, so I graduated college and moved in with my girlfriend who was also a single mother of a daughter who was a year older than my son who is now 3 years old in this story. We both started our careers as teachers, and everything seemed to be going fine, except for the fact that my son did not listen to her at all and was still just as defiant as ever no matter what we tried. That wasn't even half of the problem. The real problems during this year of my life as Anthony's father began after my girlfriend and I went away on vacation together for a few days and Anthony's mother watched him during the time we were gone. His mother had been seeing him more often and seemed to finally be truly interested in his life. Also, there was no signs of drugs anymore with her and by this time, she was married and pregnant with Anthony's half brother. Well, it was all an act. An act put on by her and her new husband.

I am very tired this evening, so I am going to have to continue tomorrow, but you will not believe what happens next!

To Be Continued...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

My Story Part II continued...

*Remember to read "My Story" and "My Story Part II" before reading this entry.*

Before I continue I would like to thank you all who have come and read my life's story and thank you for returning. I hope that I am helping some of you put things into perspective. With that being said, lets get on with the story shall we?

As I stated previously, I thought I was getting somewhere with him, so I decided to go back to work full-time, because we were in desperate need of the money and my student loans were beginning to pile up. Well, that didn't go so well. It was late in the fall of 2002 and I was getting more and more frequent calls from the babysitter and the daycare concerning his behavior. Finally, in the end of November, 2002, he was kicked out of daycare due to his behavior. He was throwing things and hitting the other students as well as the teachers. He also began banging his forhead against walls and against the floor.

So there I was trying to work full-time and go to school full-time, but only now I didn't have anywhere to take him. I called around and finally got in touch with a woman who did daycare out of her house and only had two other children. I thought that would be good for him as he would have more one on one attention. I also found a therapy place that catered to children with behavior problems and traumatic experiences. As he began to go to therapy in the beginning of 2003, I started finding out that he had a deep resentment for women due to his mother not being there for him and me not being probably as nurturing as I should have been. It was also stated that he possibly had ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and also more than likely had ADHD. Being a normal parent, you don't want to believe that there is anything wrong with your child and I didn't believe them. I just thought he was going to a terrible time in his life with is mother not being there for him and his father always at work or at school, so I continued the therapy sessions, but ruled out any type of disorders, even though I was diagnosed as an adult with ADD and I found out during the therapist research that his mother had been diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar. ALARMS SHOULD HAVE BEEN BLARING IN MY HEAD!!! However, I just didn't want to believe it. Plus, I was going to graduate in May of 2003 and I knew then I could be there for him after work and give him more of the parenting attention he needed. Basically, I chalked it up to his need for attention and the old saying that negative attention is better than no attention at all.

The daycare at the woman's home lasted all of 3 weeks and he was kicked out again for the same reasons. I finally went to our church and begged them to make space in their daycare program, because they knew him from Sunday School and there was an African-American woman teacher there that was as big as Shaquille ONeal. At least she looked that way to the kids, but she was a very large and domineering woman. I thought he could use her discipline, because she did not play around when it came to the kids behavior. What a saint she was, literally! Although he still had the problems, she didn't take his crap and really seemed to be able to control him. The only problem was, she only worked 3 days out of the 5 days I needed her to be there. It worked out alright though and the next few months were a lot less stressful, although the problems with my son were still there and eventually I would have to deal with it.

In May of 2003, I graduated from college and was the top male in my graduating class with a final G.P.A. of 3.87. It was the happiest I had been in my life in a long time. I graduated and I also had been dating a single mother that I met in school. We graduated together, moved in together after a year of dating, and both landed jobs as teachers.

The happiness would be short lived.

To be continued in "My Story Part III"...

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS AS THE REASON I AM PUTTING ALL OF MYSELF OUT THERE FOR ALL TO READ IS BECAUSE I NOT ONLY AM TRYING TO HELP OTHERS DEAL WITH THEIR PROBLEMS, BUT WANT TO HEAR FROM OTHERS WHO HAVE FACED SIMILAR CHALLENGES.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

My Story Continued, Part II

Remember to read the post "My Story" before this one so that you start from the beginning.

To continue on to the "terrible twos" and the life my son and I shared during that time, I can only say that I had no idea what I was in for.

First of all, Anthony's (my son's) mother, tried to get custody of him, but I won the battle in court and in September of 2001, I was officially given full custody by the court system. It wasn't that difficult considering she hadn't seen him for more than a few hours on approximately 20 different days during the year and a half before she took me to court. Not to mention the fact that I had witnesses lined up to testify and attest to her drug abuse. So, full custody was mine!

Now on to what I had not expected and to very difficult times that don't let up for years to come.

I began getting reports from the daycare and from the babysitter who also worked at the daycare that Anthony was becoming aggressive towards other children and he also had a severe behavior problem. These problems began when he was around 2 1/2 years old. He was biting and hitting other children, biting himself, and along with throwing the normal tantrums, he was throwing his food and toys at other children and the daycare teachers. At first, we all chalked it up to the terrible twos and thought he just had it worse than other children. Well, needless to say, it didn't stop, it got worse. I was constantly getting calls from the daycare and the babysitter wanted to stop watching him for fear that he was going to hurt himself or her and she didn't want that responsibility. None of us knew what to do. The daycare was trying timeouts and taking away priviledges and at home I was trying the same along with an occasional spanking. Nothing seemed to work, so I decided to check Internet websites that offered suggestions and support for parents going through the same experiences that I was. I also talked to other parents and sought out and attended a parenting class.

None of us ever wants to admit that there is something wrong with our children, because they are perfect angels in our eyes, but after doing a lot of research, while still trying to keep up with full-time school and a full-time job, I concluded that he was acting out because he wasn't getting enough of my time. He simply needed more nurturing from me and more of my attention. Considering those facts, I decided to cut my hours in half at work so that I could spend more time focusing on Anthony and what was causing him to lash out and behave in such an unacceptable manner. I knew that if I cut my hours it would mean I would have to take out student loans to subsidize my living expenses, but as you all know who are reading this, your children must come first, so I did what I think any parent would have done.

My being home more and spending more time with Anthony seemed to help for about a month. He was still getting into trouble and showing the same defiant behavior, but it wasn't as often, so I thought I was getting somewhere with him.

Boy was I wrong!

To be continued...

Please leave your comments. I am looking forward to feedback on this blog, but have only received one comment so far.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Read post "My Story" first.

Just a reminder to read the "My Story" post before reading the continuation of my story. I will be back later or tomorrow to continue it. Also, please leave your comments or let me know your story. I would love to hear from other single parents and the things they have had to face so far in their journey.

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Stereotypes

Before I continue with my life story as a single father, I would like to address all the stereotypical things I have run into. I will probably leave something out and if I do, feel free to add to it.

When Anthony was in his first year, I went to get W.I.C. and actually got laughed at by one of the workers there and by a couple of the mothers that were there applying for their children. The comments were things like, "this is for Women with Infant Children, what is he doing here," and laughs followed by, "he doesn't look like a woman."

I then headed over to get state funding for things such as food stamps, daycare assistance, medicaid, and child support. I will get to child support in the next paragraph. As far as daycare assistance, that went off without a hitch, but getting food stamps and medicaid proved more difficult. I had to apply three times in North Carolina before receiving either one. I was given the excuse the first time that I wasn't a single mother and shouldn't need the assistance. The second time I was denied stating that I just needed to work more hours (it was midterms and I had dropped to 30 hours a week instead of 40 until they were over). Finally, the third time, I was approved for Anthony to have medicaid, but I was denied for myself even though my employer didn't offer medical insurance. I was denied food stamps all three times.

As for child support, I had to fill out a questionaire that was full of comments that catered to a woman. There were a lot of questions asking about the absent "father" and it seemed as though every question wanted to know something about the paternal parent. When I asked why it didn't say absent parent, I was told by the workers in North Carolina that fathers didn't get custody and was told to cross out everywhere it said father and put mother or maternal. That added up to around 25 places in the paperwork. In my opinion, that is sexual prejudice or at least some type of discrimination.

Oh yeah, don't even get me started on the subject of racial inequality. I was told several times that because I was a white male I shouldn't need help and minority mothers were always given first priority as an "unwritten rule".

I probably could have sued for some of the comments, but I just am not that type of person and I realize that there are people and government establishments that are just plain ignorant.

I would really like to hear any of your horror stories with trying to get state or federal assistance as a single father or single parent.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

My Story

Let me start out by saying that being a single parent of my son, Anthony, has been the most rewarding thing in my life. I wanted to state that before I got into my life after becoming the only person of support in his life.

It all began in August of 2000, just 5 months after he was born (3/10/2000). I was a full-time college student in my freshman year. When I knew I was going to have a child, I decided that I should better myself for our future and at 30 years of age, it was rough, but I knew that I had to do it. Anyway, when his mother left for another relationship with her drugs (crack and oxycontin), I was scared to death. I never knew she was on drugs, didn't know if she had taken anything while she was pregnant, and didn't have a clue as to how to be a parent; however, I was determined.

I began my journey as his father going to college full-time while working a full-time job. I talked to some people at his daycare and found a student that was going to the same college that had younger brothers and sisters as well as a daycare license and extensive experience in babysitting. It was the perfect solution for my worries of someone to watch him while I was in school.

The first year of his life was riddled with the usual. Strange sleeping habits, learning what different cries meant, tons of diapers, and of course, teething, sitting, crawling, and walking. The most difficult thing that I had to deal with during that first year was not being in his life as much as I wanted to be. I was working from 8am-5pm, and on Mondays and Thursdays, I would drop him off at daycare at 7:15am along with his car seat. I wouldn't get to see him again until I got home from school around 10:45pm. Needless to say, with caring for him and studying, sleep was non-existent that first year. Oh, I forgot to mention that I also had every other Saturday at school, so I didn't see him much on those days either. Still, I made it through both my first year as a single dad and as a full-time employee and full-time student. I actually made it through that year and managed to get all good grades. If I remember correctly, after my first year of college, my G.P.A. was around 3.90. This brings my story to year two of Anthony's journey with his father.

The terrible twos really weren't terrible until he was almost three. Then the real story begins....

To be continued...